Good Communication

Deep oneness can only be achieved where there is good communication. Do you agree? So what does good communication look like and what are the basic principles involved?

One of the basic requirements of good communication is mutual openness and honesty. In Ephesians 4:25 the Bible says "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body." If we are to be one as the Bible says we are to be then we need to speak truthfully. This is essential for a good relationship. When couples go into marriage counseling, they often will say things like "I didn't know you felt that way" or "I didn't know I was annoying you." We often neglect speaking about how we actually feel in order to protect another's feelings. In the short run this seems fine. In the long run it leads to the buildup of resentment and bitterness. This is sin. We are to speak these things in love not anger or disrespect. It is a fine line, but God will help us walk it.

It also should be apparent that self-control is very important for good communication. Some people say they have a short fuse. They say they get angry quickly but I get over it right away. Speaking the truth in love does not mean flying off the handle and it is OK. The Bible has a lot to say about destructive speech. In Proverbs 12:18 it says, "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Because of lack of self-control many people have been wounded. This leads to lines of communication being shut down. But self-control also needs to be exercised when we are tempted to retreat or run away from expressing ourselves.

So how can we be open and honest, maintain self-control and not get sinfully angry or withdraw completely? Our judgmental, critical, demanding, demeaning, bitter spirit must be replaced with a charitable, encouraging, forbearing, accepting spirit. Ephesians 4:2 encourages us to "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." This does not mean that a husband or wife should condone error. It is the spirit in which we approach each other that determines the result. This is expressing love that truly has the other's best interest at heart.

Of all the principles in good communication nothing is more important than good listening skills. Good listening involves allowing the other person to speak without being interrupted. Proverbs 18:13 says "He who answers before listening-- that is his folly and his shame." Good listening involves giving the other person your undivided attention. Whenever you can you should stop whatever you are doing and concentrate on the other person. Good listening also involves making sure you understood what the other person was saying or thinking. What we think someone means and what they actually mean may be two very different things. The most important thing here is to try to see things from the other person's point of view. Clarify, as you need to. Ask questions and respond with what you understood them to say, rephrasing it in your words. But listen with empathy at all times.

Good communication requires good listening as well as good speaking skills. You can't have one without the other. Remember God's purpose in marriage is for the two to become one flesh. God wants the husband and wife to be completely one. He wants them to have a shared life.