“How to Counsel God’s Way” by Bob Hoekstra book review
By Basil Rehill | February 14, 2011
Many years I have been reading and studying books about biblical counseling. Each book I pick up I tend to get a different perspective. “How to Counsel God’s Way” by Bob Hoekstra is one of these wonderful books I have had the opportunity to read. This book contrasts counseling God’s way in counseling to man’s way. Man’s way is associated with psychology and philosophy. These two disciplines are used interchangeably throughout this work. Many people would say that counseling is a discipline used to help people over problems they have in life. There are two very different approaches to counseling. This book does an excellent job in contrasting these.
A question came to my mind as I began to read. Who does the counseling in God’s way? This book starts right there. The Lord is the counselor. Isaiah 9:6 says “and his name will be called wonderful counselor.” Throughout this book I am reminded that it is the Lord who counsels and not man. Man is used in counseling, but it is the Lord who is the actual counselor. This is very sobering for someone like me. I like to think of myself as having some skill or ability to counsel. This is not what this book is necessarily about.
Counseling God’s way is a form of discipleship and leads people through the process of sanctification. The counselor is used to disciple the counselee in growing in likeness of Jesus Christ. The objective in biblical counseling is not necessarily to fix our problems. The problems may be fixed along the way, but the objective is helping the counselee to grow and mature towards being more Christ-like. God’s word, the Holy Spirit, prayer and teaching within the context of church life are all used by God in the counseling process. Church life “refers to Christians living together as the family of God, walking in the relationships and drawing on the resources that we have available as the people of the Lord.” We can look at Colossians 3:12-17 to see a depiction of what this church life looks like. Whatever we do in word or deed, do it in the name of the Lord Jesus.
Bob Hoeskstra does an excellent job of outlining the process of equipping counselors. All Christians are called to counsel one another. In Romans 15:14 it says “I myself also am persuaded of you, my brothers, that you also are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, able also to admonish one another.” This makes it very clear that very believer is to counsel others. The word for admonishing can also be translated counsel. It may not be in a formal counseling situation, but we are all called to come along side other believers and encourage, teach and even admonish them so that they may live more fruitful lives that are growing more and more Christ like. There are those believers who have been particularly gifted in the area of counseling who may be called into a more formal setting for counseling. All believer’s ability to counsel is enhanced if they abide in Christ and live by His spirit sacrificing for others.
One chapter in this book stands out for m as vital to my own counseling ministry. That chapter is “Vital Issues for Most Counseling Situations.” These are strategic Bible truths that the author had learned over the years. The first area that really stood out was that trials difficulties and impossibilities are the very experiences which most often lead people to seeking counseling. Its never the easy things, but the most difficult circumstances in a person’s life that motivate them to seek counseling. This section reminded me that there are benefits of trials. They don’t just happen. The troubles in life help us to see that our faith is real. We have the opportunity to trust in the Lord for real. 1 Peter 1:6-7 helps me to remember this fact, “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith–more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire–may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” Also through this process our faith is refined so that it becomes more and more pure. After the suffering God has some things he wants us to do. 1 Peter 5:10 helps me to see this, “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” Throughout our whole struggle we need to keep our eyes on who it is that provides us hope, strength, wisdom and direction. Proverbs 3:5-6 provides an example “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
The further I delved into this book the more I realized that this counseling God’s way was leading me to lead others to a closer and closer walk with God. Through this walk people come to the understanding that their problems are tools that God uses to bring them into a better relationship with Him. Mr. Hoeskstra had done an excellent job up to this point. What I really wanted to know was the nuts and bolts of this God’s way of counseling. Amazingly the next section was Foundational Truths for Counseling. This was just what I was looking for. This section started by going through Romans chapters 5-8 and proceeded to who we are in Christ, followed by renewing of the mind and then as a reminder, spiritual warfare. All the problems and troubles of humanity are related to being in Adam. That is our flesh is the problem. The answer is not to try harder in our own strength. This only serves to dig us deeper. It may sound simple, but the answer to all our problems can be found in Jesus Christ. The battle we have is within us and it rages between spirit and flesh. The battle is a spiritual one that we cannot win on our own. We need the wonderful counselor.
I had said at the outset that this book contrasts God’s way and man’s way. So what is man’s way? It seems that most if not all of the psychological theories focus a counselee’s attention on themselves and even tend to blame things outside them for the problems. The more a person focuses on their needs the more self confident they become. This is theorized to lead to a state of better mental health. Everyone knows if you feel good about yourself then everything else will take care of itself. It sounds rational, true and even wise. The focus of much of counseling is look inward at ourselves and to look backwards into the past to see if we can find a cause for what is wrong inside. God’s way of counseling is to look forward to the future and to look upward to God for guidance as we proceed forward. Man’s way seems to pale in comparison to God’s way.
I would recommend this book to any serious student of counseling. The information is presented in an easy to follow and logical format. The ideas proceed from a common understanding to more and more biblically sound concepts that contradict common wisdom of man. If you are not a believer is Jesus Christ and have not accepted him as your Lord and Savior this may be a very difficult book to read. Without the Wonderful Counselor leading the way God’s counseling is fruitless. I have received many insights into counseling that will help my ministry and also those who come to me for help.
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Finances in Marriage God’s way
By Basil Rehill | January 12, 2011
Deep Unity is often hindered by differing views on money, Financial disagreement can be overcome and deep unity can be achieved. We need to focus on what the Bible teaches about money and listen to God’s advice. We must always keep in mind that God’s purpose in marriage is that the two should become one according to Genesis 2:24.
Take a moment to think about your views of money. Do you think you ought to save for the future or spend what you have and trust God to provide for your needs? DO you look at your job primarily with respect to your salary or are there other issues involved, such as doing things for others? It is very unlikely that any couple will escape disagreement concerning money. It seems that no two people think exactly alike.
The foundation of financial unity in marriage is a mutual, secure commitment to a biblical philosophy of money. We should not only accept this biblical philosophy because it works, or that it produces unity, but because unity is what God wants. So what is this philosophy? God is the one who gives a man the ability to make money. In Deuteronomy 8:18 God says “But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth. ” This is one of many similar verses. Proverbs 10:22 or 1 Corinthians 4:7 are other examples. Everything we have belongs to God. God created everything. He has given us responsibility over some of what He has created. We are to take care of the best we can.
There are things more valuable than gold. In Matthew 16:26 we read “What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?” And in Proverbs 16:16 we read “How much better to get wisdom than gold, to choose understanding rather than silver!.” Wisdom, understanding and our soul are of much more value than anything made of gold, silver or precious stones. Covetousness, discontent and worry about material things are sin according to Exodus 20:17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” and Matthew 6:31 “So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?”
God expects us to use fully the strength and abilities He has given us to work hard and honestly. This is the way that God has chosen to supply our needs. God rewards honest, hard work with prosperity. But we must not forget that giving to the Lord and the needy is a privilege and an investment and our responsibility. We read in Proverbs 22:9 “A generous man will himself be blessed, for he shares his food with the poor.” It can seem strange when we are short on money that God asks us to give ti Him and to others. When we do He blesses us by providing for our needs. This is the exact opposite of what we think, but it is the way that God has chosen. His ways are not our ways.
We need to plan how we will make money and spend money. That is the basis of a budget. We need to live within our means and not get into debt beyond what we can pay back. This again seems contrary to the American way. In proverbs 20:18 God says “Make plans by seeking advice; if you wage war, obtain guidance.” and Proverbs 22:7 He says “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.”
How do we do this practically? Start by realistically determining your income. Take a look at your pay stubs for the past 3 months. Add them up and divide by 3. This should give you a good idea. Next figure out where your money should be spent. Look at your checkbook to see what you have been spending on what. Is the first thing a donation to your church? If not you should adjust this first. Set aside money to pay for any taxes for the year. Make a breakdown of your family needs for the year such as rent, food, utilities, clothing. You should be able to get a clear picture of your money flow at this point. If your income is not higher than you out go, you will need to adjust one of the other. Either spend less or make more. If you find that things are just too difficult, there are many places to go for help. Start with Crown Financial. They are an excellent source of training and resources You can find them at crown.org
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Attitudes on abortion
By Basil Rehill | January 12, 2011
There are times in the pro-life movement when words are just inadequate. Yesterday, when the Guttmacher Institute announced a spike in U.S. abortions, reporters hurried to file their stories. And while most of them managed to communicate the data–almost none conveyed the loss. Instead of reflecting on the 1,212,350 unique members of society that America will never know, the headlines all minimized the tragedy that is “choice.” Papers from the Wall Street Journal to the Washington Post explained the news with the sensitivity of a sports column. It’s “just 1%,” the Journal reported, or a “slight rise,” said the AP. Factually, they’re both right. But in terms of casualties–real human victims–this “slight rise” means that our country dug 6,150 new graves in 2008. That’s more than the entire student population at Yale, Princeton, Brown, or Dartmouth. Where is America ‘s perspective? On Saturday, the entire nation grieved with Arizona after the haunting Tucson shooting spree. Who among us, after reading their stories, would say the gunman “only” killed six victims? Yet somehow, in a society calloused by convenience, it’s acceptable to describe the loss of millions of unborn children as “just” this or that. However political this debate has become, it’s important to remember the moral crisis that got us here. And until we address that fundamental problem, these statistics are bound to yo-yo into the new century.
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11 Rules That You Won’t Learn in School About Marriage
By Basil Rehill | January 10, 2011
Rule 1: Marriage isn’t about your happiness. It’s not about you getting all your needs met through another person. Practicing self-denial and self-sacrifice, patience, understanding, and forgiveness are the fundamentals of a great marriage. If you want to be the center of the universe, then there’s a much better chance of that happening if you stay single.
Rule 2: Getting married gives a man a chance to step up and finish growing up. The best preparation for marriage for a single man is to man up now and keep on becoming the man God created him to be.
Rule 3: It’s okay to have one rookie season, but it’s not okay to repeat your rookie season. You will make rookie mistakes in your first year of marriage; the key is that you don’t continue making those same mistakes in year five, year 10, or year 20 of your marriage.
Rule 4: It takes a real man to be satisfied with and love one woman for a lifetime. And it takes a real woman to be content with and respect one man for a lifetime.
Rule 5: Love isn’t a feeling. Love is commitment. It’s time to replace the “D word”–divorce–with the “C word”–commitment. Divorce may feel like a happy solution, but it results in long-term toxic baggage. You can’t begin a marriage without commitment. You can’t sustain one without it either. A marriage that goes the distance is really hard work. If you want something that is easy and has immediate gratification, then go shopping or play a video game.
Rule 6: Online relationships with old high school or college flames, emotional affairs, sexual affairs, and cohabiting are shallow and illegitimate substitutes for the real thing. Emotional and sexual fidelity in marriage is the real thing.
Rule 7: Women spell romance R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P. Men spell romance S-E-X. If you want to speak romance to your spouse, become a student of your spouse, enroll in a lifelong “Romantic Language School,” and become fluent in your spouse’s language.
Rule 8: During courtship, opposites attract. After marriage, opposites can repel each another. You married your spouse because he/she is different. Differences are God’s gift to you to create new capacities in your life. Different isn’t wrong, it’s just different.
Rule 9: Pornography robs men of a real relationship with a real person and poisons real masculinity, replacing it with the toxic killers of shame, deceit, and isolation. Pornography siphons off a man’s drive for intimacy with his wife. Marriage is not for wimps. Accept no substitutes.
Rule 10: As a home is built, it will reflect the builder. Most couples fail to consult the Master Architect and His blueprints for building a home. Instead a man and woman marry with two sets of blueprints (his and hers). As they begin building, they discover that a home can’t be built from two very different sets of blueprints.
Rule 11: How you will be remembered has less to do with how much money you make or how much you accomplish and more with how you have loved and lived.
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Talking to Your Child About Pornography
By Basil Rehill | January 7, 2011
The once dark-alley enterprise of pornography is gaining visibility and popularity in mainstream culture. In fact, the number of pornographic Web pages jumped from 14 million in 1998 to 260 million in 2003. This represents a nearly 2,000 percent increase of online pornography in just five years!
Pornography — What’s the Harm?
While society still seems to be grappling with the question, “Why is pornography harmful?”, it has become abundantly clear in recent years that pornography can destroy individuals, families, and ultimately society.
Based on a number of studies conducted in the last 25 years, we have learned:
- Pornography is addictive and the addiction is progressive. A porn addict, when no longer stimulated by “mainstream” porn, will seek out in ever-increasing frequency materials that are considered more deviant, more perverse. Ultimately, even the most hard-core types of pornography become unsatisfying, and many addicts are compelled to bring their fantasies to life in the real world.
- Pornography destroys marriages and families. Two-thirds of the divorce lawyers attending a 2002 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers said excessive interest in online porn contributed to more than half of the divorces they handled that year. They also said pornography had an almost non-existent role in divorce just seven or eight years earlier.
- When children are exposed to pornography, it creates an unhealthy view of human sexuality. Ralph DiClemente, a behavioral scientist at Emory University, described the danger of this exposure. He said, “[Children] can’t just put [porn] into their worldview, because they don’t have one.” He went on to explain that pornography becomes a building block in a child’s mental and emotional development. When pornography becomes a filter through which the rest of life is understood, serious damage occurs.
- There is a correlation between exposure to pornography and sexually deviant behavior by children. According to one study, early exposure to pornography (under the age of 14) is related to greater involvement in deviant sexual practices, particularly rape. In addition, studies suggest that exposure to pornography can prompt kids to act out sexually against younger, smaller, more vulnerable children.
- Many children want to “try out” some of the things they see in pornographic images. A U.S. study of teenagers exposed to “hard core” pornography showed that “Two-thirds of males and 40 percent of females reported wanting to try out some of the behaviors they had viewed.” In addition, 31 percent of males and 18 percent of females admitted doing some of the sexual things they had seen in pornographic images within a few days after exposure.
What to Say to Your Child
Despite the growing threat that pornography presents, many parents still cringe when they consider discussing the subject with their children.
But talking to your child about pornography doesn’t need to be frightening, uncomfortable, or even feel unnatural. With some guidance, and perhaps some adjustments in your own thinking, you will be well on your way to having an open, honest conversation with your child about one of life’s most unpleasant realities.
The groundwork for this type of conversation should be laid preferably when your child is young and has been given a healthy understanding of God’s design for the human body and human relationships. Once your child understands this design, you can be intentional about identifying and discussing deviations from the Christian understanding of sexuality.
However, if your child is already an adolescent, or nearing adolescence, and this early framework has not been laid, it’s not too late. Keep in mind, however, that at this stage your efforts will be more akin to triage than preventative medicine. If your child has already reached adolescence, statistically he or she is likely to have already been exposed to porn in some form or to negative messages about sexuality that is pervasive in popular media. This increases the need for intervention — immediately — to dismantle some ideas about sexuality that may have already developed.
As you prepare for an in-depth discussion with your child about the dangers of pornography, it is important to also consider your own past. The way you have handled your own sexual issues may affect what you share (or don’t share) with your child. An honest assessment of your past is not always easy, but it can be critical to helping your child understand God’s amazing design for sexuality, rather than the perverse and distorted view foisted upon him or her by pornographers. Being prepared and having these informed conversations are the best and most lasting protection you can offer as a parent.
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What You Need to Know About Forgiveness
By Basil Rehill | January 7, 2011
What a wonderful word! Yet, what does it mean? How do you grant forgiveness; and, for what?
As much as Christians talk about forgiveness, you’d think they could tell you all about it. Yet, there is hardly one in a thousand who can give sound, Biblical answers to the questions above.
While this pamphlet doesn’t deal with everything about forgiveness, it does provide a quick summary of the Biblical teaching.
Forgiveness of others is to be modeled on one’s own forgiveness by Christ: “… forgiving one another just as God, in Christ has forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32)
Forgiveness must be extended to all who say they repent — even if the offense has been repeated (Cf. Luke 17:3). But it is only to be granted to those who confess wrong doing, claim to be repentant, and ask forgiveness (Prov. 28:13). In Mk. 11:25, Jesus tells you to forgive those who wronged you when you pray, thereby avoiding bitterness and resentment (Eph. 4:32). But, that is different from granting the wrongdoer forgiveness. You do that only when he repents. Forgiveness of others must reflect god’s forgiveness; He forgave you when you repented.
Some unthinking Christians advise forgiving another whether or not he confesses sin. But they misunderstood forgiveness. They urge this to benefit the one who forgives. Yet, it was for your benefit that God forgave you. Their self-centered concept of forgiveness is unbiblical. God did not forgive you until you repented, admitted you were a sinner, and believed. Indeed, even now, when God dispenses parental forgiveness, He says, “…if you don’t forgive men, then your Father won’t forgive your transgressions” (Matt. 6:15).
Some think when Christ prayed from the cross, “Father, forgive them,” He forgave apart from repentance. But Jesus granted no one forgiveness by those words. He was asking God to forgive. Did God answer? Yes. On the day of Pentecost, thousands of those same people were converted, and their sins were forgiven. But, that did not happen apart from the means. Peter called on them to repent and believe in order to receive forgiveness (Cf. Acts 2:38).
Because in forgiving one promises not to bring up the offender’s sin, to him, to others, or to himself, it is not right to forgive before repentance. Jesus requires you to confont an offender (Matt. 18:15ff) in order to bring about reconciliation. If he refuses to listen to you, instead of forgiving him, you must tell one or two others. If he won’t hear them, then you must tell the church. Indeed, apart from repentance, the matter, must be brought up to an increasingly larger number of persons. Why? Through their aid to win the offender. In love, true forgiveness seeks not to relieve the forgiver, but to deliver the offender from his burden of guilt. Out of concern for the other person, the offended party pursues the offender until the matter is settled before God and men. Any bitterness on his part, Jesus said, must be dealt with in prayer. Because forgiveness is a promise not to refer negatively to the offender’s sin any more, it would be utterly inconsistent to forgive an unrepentant person before Church discipline has been successfully used.
People who try to be kinder than God, end up becoming cruel to others. The kind thing is not to focus on relief for one’s self, by forgiving others whether one’s self, by forgiving other whether they repent or not, but by every Biblical means to win offenders. It may seem unkind to bring matters up again and again when an offender refuses to be reconciled, but you must do so, not to irritate, but to help relieve him of the burden of his sin. To ignore him and focus on one’s self, saying, “feel better since I forgave Bob, even though he didn’t seek forgiveness,” is the epitome of the modern, self-centered psychological heresy.
Seeking forgiveness is not apologizing. There is nothing in the Bible about apologizing, — The World’s substitute for forgiveness that doesn’t get the job done. You apologize, and say “I’m Sorry,” but have not admitted you sin. The offended party feels awkward, not knowing how to respond. You are still holding the ball. You asked him to do nothing. But, confess you sin to him saying, “I have asked God to forgive me, and now I’m asking you,” and you pass the ball to the other person. You ask him to bury the matter for good. Jesus commands him to say “yes,” thereby making the promise that God does: “Your sins and you iniquities will I remember against you no more.” That brings the matter to a conclusion. Apologizing does not.
Is there someone to whom you should go ask forgiveness? Has someone sought it from you to whom you said “Once, yes; twice, maybe; three times, no!”? Perhaps there is someone whom you have never confronted about a matter that has brought about an unreconciled condition between you. Are any of these problems outstanding? Then you have business to attend to. Why not settle the matter today?
You don’t have to feel like it to forgive. Forgiveness is a promise that you can make and keep, whether you feel like it or not. And, it is easier to forgive another — even when he sins against you seven times a day — when you remember Christ’s great sacrifice for you sins by which He forgave you. And, then too, remember how many times a day He forgives you ever since you have become a believer. One other fact may help. If you have truly forgiven, it isn’t the fifth, of the third; it’s not even the second time. If you have truly buried the matter, truly forgiven,… it’s always the first.
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Suffering
By Basil Rehill | January 7, 2011
I have been asked on many occasions why there is suffering in this world. Sometimes it is posed as why would God allow this kind of suffering, can’t he do something about it? It does seem difficult to understand why a newborn baby would be allowed to die and the parents be left with such sorrow. I don’t think I can completely answer this question myself. I am not God. I hope to shed some light on some of God’s reasons and the way that He works things out. This is not a complete or exhaustive discussion of this issue. Please take some time to explore this on your own to see what God may show you that I haven’t seen.
The problem that I have had in understanding suffering has been that I try to look at it though my eyes and not God’s. I try to understand a reason that I can think of for things to happen the way they do. Guess what? I can’t. Sometimes things make no sense. So I began to try to see things in the way as I understand God sees them. My first step was to look into the character of God. So here is what I found out about God:
The Providence of God is the marvelous working of God by which all events and happenings in His universe accomplish the purpose He has in mind. Not what I have in mind, but what He has in mind. I may never know what he has in mind. This was difficult to swallow. I am not the creator or this universe, God is.
The Omnipotence of God is an attribute that God alone possesses and means that God is able to do all things that are proper objects of His power. He can do all things that do not conflict with His holy nature. God’s will is never frustrated. What he chooses to do, He accomplishes, for He has the ability to do it. He is able to change even our personality. In Matthew 19:26 it says, “With man this is not possible, but with God all things are possible.” Since God is all-powerful; He is able to help us and change us even when we can’t.
The Omnipresence of God is an attribute that God alone possesses and means that God is not limited or subject to space. He cannot be localized at a particular point. There is no place He cannot be found. There is no place that we can go to find Him since he is not confined by location in any way. In Psalm 139:7 is says, “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?” This is very sobering. He sees me even when I think I am alone. He knows what I do behind closed doors.
The Omniscience of God is an attribute that God alone possesses and means that at every moment of the divine life God knows all that is knowable at any given moment. God knows everything about everything. He sees things from eternity. He knows what we will do and think and has already taken that into account and made it part of His plan. We are completely transparent before God. He knows and sees us totally. He knows every truth; even those not yet discovered by mankind, since He is the creator of everything.
Sovereignty of God refers to the fact that God is in control. He does whatever He pleases and determines whether we can do what we have planned. He has the right to do as He pleases. This implies that there is no external influence upon Him and that He also has the ability to exercise His power and control according to His will. In Lamentations 3:37 it says, “Who can speak and it happens if the Lord has not decreed it?”
These attributes of God provide a foundation for understanding suffering from God’s perspective. God knows things that we don’t, He sees things that we don’t and He has plans that we don’t see. God knows what is going to happen before we do. He allows things to happen and causes things to happen for reasons that we don’t see, but he does.
The book of Job is an excellent source for looking at these issues. In short Job is a very devoted man of God. He has been abundantly blessed with family and possessions. Then in a matter of days He loses everything; his children, his possessions, his health and his money. His friends try to help him by convincing him that he has sinned and must repent. Job protests that he has done nothing wrong, which is true. What Job doesn’t know is that Satan asked God if he could torment Job to prove a point to God that people follow God only because He gives them things. God allows this. The reason God does allow it is never really stated. God had His reasons. They were not for any purpose that helped Job that we can tell. Perhaps this was allowed so we could see that God allows things to happen for His purposes. Take a look at this book and try to see things from God’s perspective and not Job’s. In the end Job was given back all that he had lost and more.
So why does a newborn baby die and the parents are left in a state of sorrow? God has His reasons. I am not wise enough to offer am answer. I do know that God has my best interest in mind when he allows me to suffer. In Romans 8:28-29 it says “and we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;” God may be allowing me to suffer to help me to change into the image of His son. He may know that I have some issues that He wants to work on that He can only do by allowing me to work through the suffering of the circumstances I am going though. He may have other reasons that I may never know. I do know that I trust God. He never breaks His promise. He never changes, He is always the same. I can depend on Him.
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Self Esteem
By Basil Rehill | January 7, 2011
What is self esteem? Most people have a feeling about themselves that is based on the circumstances they find themselves in at any given moment. Most people would define self esteem as how they feel about themselves. It is usually thought of as a combination between the successes and failures a person has in their life. Psychologists refer to self esteem as what reflects a person’s overall self-appraisal of their own worth.
Years of psychological research and postulations have led to a field of study in ways to improve self esteem. School systems have been modified to build self esteem. Sports leagues have modified their rules to build self esteem among their younger participants. In a community nearby where I live there are no winners or losers of these sporting events. There is no score. There is no idea of how the game is supposed to be played. There is no desire to improve. To improve would mean there is something wrong with what they are doing to begin with.
The problem with the years of research is that we have built a generation of people who feel good about themselves but are not performing well in life. There was a research project run a few years ago where school children in several countries including the United States were asked to take a math test. After the test was one last question. How do you feel you did on this test? The children from the U.S. scored lowest on the test, but highest on how they felt about how they did. The Korean children did the best on the test and the worst on how they felt they did.
High self esteem does not correspond with success in life. We have come to the point that we feel good about being mediocre. We are a country who are still depressed, still lonely, and we have turned to all sorts of chemicals and behaviors to make us feel good about ourselves. There are more and more ways we can make ourselves feel good; alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, eating, cutting, gossip, and for some isolation. Do whatever makes you feel good at the moment. Yet we still look for more ways to make ourselves feel good. So if high self esteem has not worked, what does?
Our worth is not based on our performance. Our worth is not based upon how others evaluate us. Our worth is based upon how God sees us. When we have accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, God begins a work of transformation in us. He sees what we will be eventually in eternity. He sees our potential. He starts to bring experiences into our lives to help us to grow. We tend to fall down a lot and skin our knees, but we do grow from these experiences. If we learn more about how God sees us, we will slowly but surely change how we view ourselves. We won’t focus on our failures as just failures. We will see them as a way that God is bringing about change within us. He changes us from the inside out.
I have made many mistakes in my life. I have tried to cover up these mistakes the best I can to help me feel good about myself. Also to make others think better of me, this lead to living a life of lies. I had to believe the lies I told myself to feel good about myself. When I accepted Christ as my Savior, God began a slow process of changing my attitudes. I now realize that I still make many mistakes, but now I can take responsibility for my choices and actions. I can take responsibility for the way I think about these mistakes. I can choose to learn what I can so that next time I will not make the same mistake again. I’ll make a new and different mistake. With enough mistakes I won’t make any mistakes in this area. I can move onto new areas of mistakes. The people in my life feel like they know who I am. They feel close to me because they know I am who I am. This is not because of anything that I have done, but because of the changes that God has made in me. I just had to be willing to allow God to change me. I am not there yet. I am a work in process, but God sees me as I will be some day, because of my faith in Jesus Christ, his son.
Topics: Counseling, Life Issues | No Comments »
“Addictive Thinking” by Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.
By Basil Rehill | January 7, 2011
The mind of an addict is hard to understand for someone who has not struggled with any type of addiction. It’s also hard for the addict to understand. I don’t know how many people have not struggled with an addiction. It seems that most people today turn to one thing or another to help them feel better about the struggles of life. Some choose, drugs, alcohol, sex, money, work, food, gambling, exercise, or TV. It seems we all have something we use to escape. Just not everyone admits to this habit. Addictive thinking, however, is inherently self deceptive, yet offers a superficial logic that can be misleading to the addict as well as to the addict’s family. In AA terms this is stinking thinking.
In “Addictive Thinking” by Abraham J. Twerski, M.D. the author explores this deceptive thinking in depth. Some people have been left to believe that only people with low intelligence become addicted. In fact people with unusually high levels of intelligence have more intense degrees of addictive thinking. The ultimate goal in life today seems to be achieving pleasure or relieving discomfort. Why not use some drug or thing or activity to give me pleasure? As you can see there appears to be logic behind the justifications addicts make.
Dr Twerski points out that an addicts way of thinking distorts time, confuses cause and effect, are full of denial, rationalization and projection, and may demonstrate hypersensitivity. Addicts think they can stop any time and believe this is true. Why? Because stopping for a day or two, he has stopped for a time. People who drink blame their drinking on their problems when in reality the problems have been caused by their drinking. Denial, rationalization and projection are evident in the ways an addict responds to things in their life. They honestly believe there is no problem, that the problems in their life are the reason they use drugs and that the real problem is with the people around them. Since an addict is constantly aware of his pain and is trying to dull it, when stress occurs he is likely to blow up quickly.
Dr Twerski does an excellent job of describing the addictive thinking process. This is an excellent resource for anyone who has struggled with addictions or has a family member or friend who is struggling. This book is written from a clinical perspective. One thing that Dr. Twerski does not look at is the state of the heart of the addict. The addict truly sees the world in a distorted way. He does not see that he can’t do it alone, that there are other people who have been there before them, and that only God can help them through the problems in life. Turning to some drug, activity or person is not the answer. We are created with the need to depend on God for everything we need. We have chosen to rely on ourselves and our solutions. I also think that personal responsibility was not stressed enough. I am what I am because of the choices I have made, not because of what has happened to me.
I don’t say these things lightly. I have had my share of addictive thinking problems and dealing with my own addictions. I know how difficult it is to be stuck and not know any other way to deal with things. I know what it’s like to choose self destructive behaviors to make me feel good for the moment. I know what it’s like to hurt the people closest to me because I don’t want them to see the horrible person that I am. I do know that where I am is a culmination of every choice that I have made. I am responsible for the mess that I am in. God was responsible for getting me out. I’ll write more about that in another posting.
Topics: Book Review | No Comments »
False Intimacy by Dr. Harry Schaumburg
By Basil Rehill | January 7, 2011
False Intimacy is subtitled understanding the struggle of sexual addiction. This book is much more than that. Some of us have struggled with sexual addiction and some of us have struggled with other destructive behaviors, but most of us seek out false intimacy in our relationships to try to deal with our issues. God created each of us with a need for real intimacy with Him and with others. One thing we learn early on is that real intimacy hurts. Most of us don’t even make it into first grade before we are hurt by someone we really trust. This leads us into mistrusting others and not allowing them to see the real me. Each person then wants to avoid the pain of real intimacy and obtain a sense of relational satisfaction through false intimacy.
This book is about sexual addiction. We must not assume that sexual addiction is an attempt to find true intimacy. It’s the opposite. It’s the avoidance of pain that is caused by true intimacy that leads a sex addict to pursue destructive behaviors. Dr Schaumburg points out that “sexual addiction isn’t just an issue of sex or even external behavior: It’s a byproduct of loneliness, pain, the self-centered demand to be loved and accepted regardless of the consequences, and a loss of vital relationship with God.” A sex addict chooses a behavior that he thinks provides him with the things he needs such as acceptance or the desire to be loved. The reality of the matter is that the chosen behavior leads the sex addict away from what he really needs and becomes self perpetuating, since it creates more pain to fuel the desire to relieve the pain.
In this book Dr. Schaumburg offers some advice to the spouse of the sex addict as well as the sex addict. One thing he stresses if that the spouse is not responsible for the addiction. You are responsible for the kind of spouse you have become. Either you will harden yourself to shore up your own defense while you rely even more on yourself or you will soften, allowing your self reliance to seep away as you know God more intimately. God calls us to look at what life really is. When we do this it only increases our hunger for Him. We need to understand that we have built our understanding on an earthly foundation. This is not a source of true fulfillment.
There are many examples of sex addicts in this book. The life stories are told in some detail. A person who is struggling with sexual addiction may use these stories to further fuel their imagination. The material is excellent, but the person still stuck in sexual addiction must be careful when reading these passages. They appear in most chapters. I don’t think this book would be as complete if these passages were left out, I am just issuing a warning to anyone who may be still in the midst of sexual addiction.
In this book there are sections on marriage, preventing sexual addiction in your children, sexual addiction in the church and healing the Christian leader. This book is written from a biblical perspective and uses research to further support its claims. It covers what is sexual addiction, what are some causes, how do we recover and how do we prevent it. It is a fairly comprehensive book, but does not lean enough on the concept of true repentance and developing our relationship with God as the avenue out of sexual addiction. These ideals are mentioned throughout, but do not seem to be flushed out as I have seen in “At the Altar of Sexual Addiction” by Steve Gallagher.
There is excellent material in this book that is not found elsewhere. It is a must read for anyone who is struggling with sexual addiction or desires to minister to those who struggle with sexual addiction. As is with most books there are great points and some things that could be improved. Read it for yourself.
Topics: Book Review | No Comments »
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